For the first time
I’m writing this here because I have no one to talk to, there is nobody that would understand me, and I have no place else to write my thoughts. I’ve been with someone for a couple of months and I feel like for the first time in my life, I found true love.
Yes, I loved before, I’ve been hurt before, I loved so much that I hurt myself. But through all of that, I always knew the thing between me and them would end. Maybe a couple of months, weeks, days later. But it would end, eventually. That’s the way relationships work. Especially when you are young and you still don’t know who you are or what do you want to do with your life. But this time, for the first time,
it feels like forever.
It feels like forever with him. I genuinely feel like this beautiful love between us will never end. I’m a realistic person and as I said, although I loved before, I knew somehow it was gonna end. But this? This is really being in love. Believing that you are gonna be with that person forever and you are gonna grow old together. Accepting that they will be your whole life. Knowing that this relationship will be your last. That they feel the exact same way about you. Someone you can trust with your whole life, someone you can be as goofy or stupid as you want. Someone who will love you no matter what kind of a state you are in. Somebody who makes you feel safe even though when he is not there. Someone you can pour your heart into and not be ashamed of your thoughts. Someone who can be your best friend, forever.
And it makes me so happy that I’ve found my one, the one, the one that I will love forever, the one that feels like it’s gonna last forever this soon in my life. 20s and I’ve already found the love of my life, my soulmate. And we have a wonderful, amazing relationship. I can’t believe how lucky I am. I always thought no matter who I loved, there would be someone who would make me fall harder, maybe in my 30s I would meet my one. But no, I’ve found him.
I found my soulmate.
And the reason I’m up awake, writing this while I cry my eyes out is the fear. Fear of losing him, fear of hurting him, fear of something bad happening to him, fear of him being sad, fear of not making him happy enough. Today, we had a minor accident that was completely my fault and happened because of my stupidness and I ended up hurting him. Not emotionally, thank god, but physically. And even that made me feel so goddamn terrible. I’ve done some stupid things before but nothing ever made me feel this bad. I had the strongest urge to harm myself even though I have been clean for the last 13 months. And for the first time, it wasn’t because I was hurt or I was full of hatred with myself. It was because even though he shook it off pretty quickly, I hurt him. He was in pain for maybe 5-10 minutes. But I hurt him. I did it. And he is the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my entire life, he deserves the best of everything in this world. I hurt him and at that moment I realized that I would rather sacrifice my life than to see him in pain for 5 minutes. I’m still crying and I still feel like the shittiest person in the world. I said I was sorry for 50 times and he told me not to worry about it, that it wasn’t a big deal. But during that 5 minutes, I saw pain in his eyes. He was mad, hurt, upset that I gave him pain, even by accident. And that, I don’t think I can shake it off for a while. I can’t help but think he deserves someone who is so much better than me. But I guess it’s love. I know sometimes he thinks I deserve someone better too. But we won’t let go of each other.
And I never will.
For the first time,
I’m really in love.
And it feels like forever.